I KICKED ETHAN IN THE FACE
M: [singing] On the stage by myself- M: Oh, hey neighbor, how’s it going? E: Hey, wassup? M: Ayy! E: You know, but you’re on the stage by yourself, and I was like: “Oh, little lonely boy looking for some company!” M: Yeah. See, I’m doing a two-man show..I was hoping that you could *BANG BANG* M: Join me on this one? E: Not only can *gun shooting sound effect* but I can also- M: That’s great. Wow. That was a cool move. Wait, let me try it. Let’s see if I can do it right. *typewriter sound effects* E: Dude, I’m totally wiggin’ out right now. M: I know, right? E: That’s incredible! M: Wow, I didn’t even know I can do that! Let me try somethin’ else! *Heavenly music plays* M: Ah! W: Did somebody summon me? M: No, that was next door. Get out of here. W: Shit. M: Now that we got that out of the way, let’s go do this. T: OK *Gun cocking sound effect* T: Flashlight B: Flashlight B: You weren’t listening. Do you know the rules sir? M: I don’t even know my dance! B: Are you ready? M: No! B: Okay, are you ready? E: Sure! B: Invisible Man in the sky, spin the wheel of dance! E: Well what we have to do first is cut them open, but it’s very important E: How many times do I have to tell you we don’t sell Raisinnets! E: We don’t sell Raisinets!! M: Well look I’m running a budget operation here, I don’t have Raisinets for you or the patient! W: But I was promised Raisinnets W: That’s the only reason I showed up. B: Yeah. Yeah, when I signed up for this- W: You stay out of this! M: You’re not a part of this! B: Wait a second! I’m important! *Bob shoots at them* *Bob shuts a window on them* *Flips them all off in anger* M: All right, honey. M: Grab on, give them a spin! M: All right honey put on your- M: Gloves and get ready for a fun night! M: All right, honey M: Remember your colostomy bag and M: Let’s get to work! M: All right, honey. I’m gonna back away slowly because I suddenly realized how weird this was B: ♫ My whole life~ ♫ ♫ I’ve been average at ♫ ♫ Everything! ♫ ♫ It’s all I’ve wanted. It’s all I’ve dreamed of- average dreams. Don’t worry, average dreams ♫ ♫ To lead a band! ♫ ♫ To direct it! ♫ ♫ To just lift it ♫ ♫ To the middle not too high not too ♫ Low solidly average B’s all around really… ♫ It’s all I’ve ever dreamed of ♫ *Blows a kiss like he’s the new World Wide Handsome* E: ‘Cuse me. I would like to make it very clear – that was an accident- No need for a flag. M: It’s okay, I think my nose is broken. M: At some point you’re gonna have to grow up and start cutting people open for their organs E: Okay, fine. I’ll do it now B: Wait, what about the Raisinets? M: We don’t have any! M: Alright. Let me tell you when you see a horse sized duck – just give him one of these. B: Why are you chopping those people in half? *Kicks Ethan in the face* B: Okay, okay. Break it up,the round is over. The round is over. M: Knock knock knock knock knock knock. B: Are you serious, mom? M: Honey? M: I just want to make sure you’re all right in there. M: You know I’m always there for you. B: I told you at the door – I can do this by myself now. M: Look- You’re only 16 B: No! Mom, I’ve got this under- M: Honey! B: Geez, why did you put all these windows in the bathroom? M: Just want to make sure you’re okay. Alright, honey. B: Oh, my god, mom! M: Look, it’s okay- B: It’s not okay!
M: Hey- You’re my little baby And I just want to be there for you. Always. B: Please don’t M: Alright, fair enough… We all have to grow up someday. I’m just gonna close the door *Mark does a squeak noise* M: And I’m gonna listen through the radio and just let me know- *Radio turning on sound* M: If you need anything, I’m here for you, baby. E: Hey, it’s me Andy, and I’m here too, and I’m also here for you E: Just want to let you know okay, bye! *Bob sighs* M: ♪ Juno~ ♪ ♪ I love you… ♪
(crowd awws at M’s love for B) ♪ My little sweetheart~ ♪ ♪ And you’ll always be my baby ♪ (T: baby~)
♪ Juno.. ♪
(E: Juno~ harmonizing) ♪ I love you~ ♪
(E: We love you~) ♪ When you’re taking a poo, I’ll be there for you~ ♪ (E & T: TAKING A POOOOOOOO~!) ♪ Oh, Juno~ ♪ T, E & M (harmonize) : ♪ JUNO! ♪ (E: TAKING A POOP!) M: I love you… (whispers) (T: I LOVE YOU!) E: There are no Raisinets here! W: I want Raisinets! E: If we find Raisinets in your body E: you’re gonna be in big trouble mister W: Oh! Oh! I promise I don’t have any Raisinets! M: Well you know… M: My grandma had a saying for this very specific circumstance M: She said “If you ever come across a guy in the middle of the woods with an ax chopping up bodies in half and M: He makes an excuse that he’s putting him in a cemetery because he’s trying to save space She- *growls* T: She said, “Ducks are pretty great aren’t they mate?” M: Wait no I was an idiot for a second, that’s not what my grandma said sorry about that E: What she really said was, “It’s not a phase mom!” I think- M: Oh God… sorry, I went in a fugue state you know M: I don’t know who I am at some points, but I know who my grandma was and she said- M: “You’re as pretty as a possum in a blender” E: I just want to preface this this is not about the getting laid part. It’s about a different part We’ve become Was that a ding or was that not a ding god I E: I didn’t hear one. Sorry. I’m also going crazy W: And Uranus is the laughingstock of the solar system, but why? W: We should respect Uranus. Uranus deserves love and attention. W: Uranus deserves hope! W: It deserves feelings! W: It deserves love! W: Love Uranus! W: No! No! M: Give me some that, oh yeah M: I’m having second thoughts… E: ♪ I’ve never seen something so beautiful- ♪ E: ♪ Like this sandwich! ♪ E: ♪ Can’t express how much I love ♪ E: ♪ This sandwich. It’s got pickles and onions. ♪ E: ♪ It’s got mustard and cheese ♪ E: ♪ I just want to eat this sandwich ♪ E: ♪ I’m begging on my knees. I love this sandwich! ♪ E: ♪ I love this sandwich, please let me eat my sandwich♪ E: ♪ I know it’s not lunch time, but it can be lunchtime right now If you let me eat my sandwich ♪ E: ♪ Yeah~ ♪ W: Woah! Woah! Woah! W: That is an above average sandwich! M: You get that extraordinarily ass out of my town! T: I’m still here telling you there are no raisinets and if you find them in your body… You’re… I’m gonna slice you elsewhere. M: Wait. I can’t let it end like this not for my team M: I invoke article 32-b/CAB AY CMCA E: What? *Mark’s mating call* *Still does it even though he’s supposed to switch* M: AH! Rrr ret M: ooo Ma ma M: ee ba bap bo M: Are you turned on now? T: But my mom has the solution to your problem M: I know this. I know his mom Anyway, here’s Wonderwall B: Eeeeeaaaall B: yyyaaaooooww B: No! Anything but my Wonderwall! M: I didn’t think that anything was gonna happen, but my hands are magic *Mark’s hands fart* M: Alright enough for two oh yeah, always good to end on a fart. Joke yeah, that’s perfect alright, so that’s enough of that