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Billy Crystal on Hostless Oscars, New Movie & Driving Test


>>Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU?>>GREAT.>>Jimmy: IT’S AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU HERE. AND I’M WONDERING WHAT GOES THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN YOU COME INTO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, WHERE YOU HOSTED THE OSCARS SO MANY TIMES.>>YEAH.>>Jimmy: AND YOU SEE THE STREET CLOSED DOWN AND YOU’RE MANEUVERING TO GET AROUND, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF?>>HOW TO USE WAZE.>>Jimmy: VERY PRACTICAL.>>WE’VE HOSTED BETWEEN THE TWO OF US, 11 TIMES. AND THIS YEAR IS ANOTHER NO-HOST SHOW.>>Jimmy: NO HOST.>>WHICH IS LIKE HAVING A TRIAL WITHOUT WITNESSES. [ LAUGHTER ]>>Jimmy: WHO’D EVER HAVE THAT? NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING.>>MOVES FASTER BUT NOT QUITE THE RESULT THAT YOU WANT. YEAH. YEAH.>>Jimmy: DO YOU THINK THAT A HOST IS IMPORTANT TO THE SNHOW?>>YEAH! DON’T YOU THINK SO?>>Jimmy: IT SEEMS LIKE IT.>>IT’S THE TRADITION OF IT. WHEN WE DID IT, YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS FELT I WAS IN A LINE OF JOHNNY AND BOB HOPE.>>Jimmy: I FELT THE SAME WAY ABOUT YOU.>>THANK YOU.>>Jimmy: IT’S TRUE.>>BUT I, I ALWAYS LOVED BEING OUT THERE. I LOVED THE, I GUESS THE TRUST, YOU KNOW, THAT THE MOVIE ACADEMY HAD IN ME TO GET ME OUT THERE. AND I FELT LIKE IT WAS A GREAT HONOR TO DO IT. AND I THINK THAT WHEN YOU HAVE A SHOW THAT’S AS LONG AS IT IS.>>Jimmy: MM-HM.>>THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN. AND I THINK THE PROBLEM WITH THE NO-HOST THING PERHAPS IS THAT THERE’S NOT SOMEBODY OUT THERE TO CAPITALIZE ON THAT MOMENT. LIKE YOU HAD WHEN THE WRONG BEST PICTURE WAS NOMINATED.>>Jimmy: THAT SHOULD STILL BE ON RIGHT NOW.>>YEAH, IF THERE’S NOBODY THERE. FOR ME, I HAD, SOME OF MY BEST MOMENTS WERE WHEN SOMETHING WENT WRONG.>>Jimmy: WHAT IS SOMETHING THAT STICKS IN YOUR MIND ABOUT SOMETHING THAT WENT WRONG?>>I HAD TO INTRODUCE A 100-YEAR OLD GIANT IN THE MOVIE INDUSTRY NAMED HAL ROACH. HE CREATED “OUR GANG” COMEDIES, “LAUREL & HARDY”. AND HE WAS 100 YEARS OLD, AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO INTRODUCE HIM. HE WAS SITTING RIGHT IN THE SECOND ROW. AND HE WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO WAVE ON THE OCCASION OF HIS 100TH BIRTHDAY. JUST STAND UP IF HE COULD, WHICH HE DID. AND JUST WAVE. SO I SAID PROPER INTRODUCTION, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 100 YEAR OLD GIANT OF THE MOVIE INDUSTRY, WE ALL OWE HIM A DEBT OF THANKS, THE ONE AND ONLY MR. HAL ROACH. HE STANDS UP. AND HE WAVES, AND HE HAS NO MIC. AND THEN HE BEGINS TO TALK. AND IT SOUNDED LIKE THIS TO EVERYBODY IN, WE WERE AT THE SHRINE, GOING THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I JUST WANT TO SAY THE DAYS BACK IN CULVER CITY, WHEN I HAD MR. LAUREL, AND MR. HARDY, BACK, AND WE WOULD RIDE DOWN THE BOULEVARD AND MAKE MOVIES, AND THAT WAS A BEAUTIFUL THING. IN 1935, I MET CHARLIE CHAPLIN FOR THE FIRST TIME. AND WE HIT IT OFF, AND I SAID, WHY DON’T WE DO, AND THAT’S HOW FEATURE COMEDIES STARTED. THEN CAME THE WAR. [ LAUGHTER ]>>AND HE’S GOING ON AND ON, AND HE’S GOT NO MIC. AND SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW IS OUR FRIEND WARREN BEATTY, AND HE’S SITTING THERE GOING, AND THE CYCLOPS IS ON YOU, THE CAMERA’S ON YOU WITH THE RED LIGHT. AND LINES NOW ARE FLYING THROUGH YOUR HEAD, SAY THAT IS C, DON’T THAT. THEN ONE HIT LIKE A SLOT MACHINE IN VEGAS, AND I SAID IT’S VERY FITTING, BECAUSE HE GOT HIS START IN SILENT FILMS. [ APPLAUSE ]>>Jimmy: THERE YOU GO.>>IT WAS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS. YOU PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK.>>Jimmy: YES, BECAUSE, YOU CANNOT PREPARE FOR THAT. THAT’S JUST YOU AND YOU’RE OUT THERE. I HOPE THAT HAPPENS AGAIN THIS WEEKEND.>>YEAH. I HOPE, I HOPE THEY GET THE RIGHT PEOPLE OUT THERE IN CASE SOMETHING — >>Jimmy: I HOPE THEY DON’T. I HOPE IT’S A DISASTER.>>OKAY. [ LAUGHTER ]>>Jimmy: WE HAVE TO STICK TOGETHER, KNOW WHAT I MEAN? THESE JOBS ARE VERY FEW. HOW’S YOUR WIFE JANICE DOING?>>SHE’S GREAT. SHE’S HERE.>>Jimmy: OH, GOOD, SHE CAME ALONG? THINGS ARE GOOD, THINGS ARE ALL RIGHT?>>WE STILL ARE TOGETHER. FOLKS, MY PROUDEST ACCOMPLISHMENT, WE WILL BE MARRIED 50 YEARS.>>Jimmy: WOW. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?>>I WAS 7. SHE WAS 6. IT WAS AN ORTHODOX, YOU SEE THE THING, WE HADN’T EVEN MET. BUT WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A VERY ODD THING THAT HAPPENED TO US ABOUT SIX DAYS AGO.>>Jimmy: OKAY.>>ALL RIGHT. IT’S 3:00 IN THE MORNING. AND WE DON’T KNOW IT, BUT OUTSIDE, A SKUNK HAS SPRAYED OUR AIR CONDITIONING UNITS.>>Jimmy: RIGHT.>>SO, YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING. SO THE HOUSE, WE BOTH WAKE UP WITH THIS INCREDIBLY FOUL SMELL, MY EYES WATERING, SHE LOOKS AT ME, AND SHE SAYS “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EAT”? I SAID THAT’S NOT ME. WE’RE MARRIED 49 YEARS, SHE SAYS “THAT IS YOU”! SO IT’S A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE SMELL. SO THE NEXT DAY WE CALL THE AIR CONDITIONING GUY. TO CHECK OUT HOW DO YOU CLEAN THIS UNIT. AND HE SAYS YOU GOT A BIGGER PROBLEM THAN SKUNKS. I SAID WHAT? HE SAYS LOOK AT THOSE PAW PRINTS. DO YOU HAVE A DOG? I SAID NO. HE SAYS THAT’S A MOUNTAIN LION. MOUNTAIN LION. AND THERE’S LITTLE TUFTS OF FUR AROUND. I SAID, DID HE SCARE THE SKUNK AND I SPRAYED? NO, HE ATE THE SKUNK. DO YOU IMAGINE HOW BAD THAT GAS WILL BE?>>Jimmy: REAL HUNGRY.>>SO SORRY I HAD THAT SKUNK. LET ME SQUAT IN SOME TOMATO JUICE AND GET RID OF THIS. SO NOW WE GOT THIS POTENTIAL, YOU KNOW, MOUNTAIN LION. AND, YOU KNOW, TERRORIZING THE NEIGHBORHOOD. AND WE’RE TERRIFIED. SO WE GET THESE CAMERAS THAT ARE NIGHT VISION CAMERAS THAT ARE MOTION CONTROLLED SO IF ANYTHING WALKS IN FRONT OF THEM IT TAKES A PICTURE.>>Jimmy: MM-HM.>>TWO NIGHTS AGO, YOU WANT TO TAKE SEE A PICTURE OF A MOUNTAIN LION? TAKE A LOOK AT THIS GUY. IS AND HE’S WEARING A MAGA HAT.>>Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.>>NOW HE’S GOT TWO STRIKES AGAINST HIM.>>Jimmy: THIS REALLY IS A MOUNTAIN LION.>>YEAH. YEAH.>>Jimmy: YOU NEED TO MOVE! THERE’S NO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?>>JANICE SAYS LET’S GET A DOG. SAID YOU KNOW WHAT A DOG IS TO A MOUNTAIN LION? AN APPETIZER.>>Jimmy: A DOG IS NOT REQUESTIGOING TO HELP YOU.>>LISTEN, I LIKE DOGS, I HAD A DOG AS A KID. BUT AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE, I TRAVEL A LOT. IF I’M HOME AT NIGHT LATE AT NIGHT, AND SOMEBODY’S GOING — I WANT IT TO BE MY WIFE! [ APPLAUSE ] HAVE YOU EVER SEEN, HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYBODY LOOK HAPPY WHEN THEY’RE WALKING A DOG?>>Jimmy: NO.>>THEY DON’T! THEY DON’T, THEY LOOK MISERABLE. THEY’RE WAITING FOR THIS THING TO CARPET BOMB. AND, YOU KNOW, AND YOU COULD BE, I DON’T CARE. DOESN’T MATTER HOW POWERFUL YOU ARE, HOW MUCH MONEY, YOU COULD BE A LAWYER, THE HEAD OF A COMPANY. YOU COULD BE THE QUEEN. WHEN YOU’RE WAITING FOR A DOG TO DO THAT, YOU’RE WORKING FOR THE DOG.>>Jimmy: 100%.>>YOU COULD BE THE POPE, BUT YOU’RE STILL A DOPE WITH A PLASTIC BAG ON YOUR HAND WAITING TO PICK UP POOP! THAT’S WHAT IT IS. WE WERE AT THE WHITE HOUSE IN 2001.>>Jimmy: OKAY.>>PRESIDENT BUSH.>>Jimmy: RIGHT.>>WE SCREENING A MOVIE I DIRECTED CALLED “61.” AND IT WAS REALLY EXCITING, I HAVE TO SAY. AT THE END EVER THE MOVIE, PRESIDENT BUSH SAID GOODNIGHT. HE GOES UPSTAIRS TO THE RESIDENCE AND THEY TOOK US ON A TOUR OF THE WEST WING. NOW IT’S ABOUT 10:30 AT NIGHT, WE’RE LEAVING AND PRESIDENT BUSH IS COMING DOWN FROM THE PRIVATE QUARTERS, AND HE LOOKS LIKE ANY, OH, MIDDLE-AGED FATHER WHO JUST PUT IN A HARD DAY OF SCREWING UP THE ECONOMY. [ LAUGHTER ] AND SENDING US INTO A WAR WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN IN. YOU KNOW, JUST A DAY. AND HE’S GOT HIS SLEEVES ROLLED UP, AND HE LOOKED TIRED, BUT HE WAS ACTUALLY A FUN GUY, FORGETTING POLITICS. AND HE’S WALKING TWO DOGS, AND HE’S GOT A PLASTIC BAG IN HIS HAND. AND I’M THINKING, THIS IS THE MOST POWERFUL GUY IN THE WORLD, AND’S GOING TO PICK UP POOP. AND THEN LATER I FOUND OUT THEY WERE DICK CHENEY’S DOGS.>>Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS! BILLY CRYSTAL IS HERE. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.>>>HEY, ROLLINS, RIGHT? ROLLINS, HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?>>ARE YOU EVERYWHERE?>>I GET AROUND.>>WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?>>I DON’T EVEN KNOW.>>WOW, YOU KILLED RORY.>>I DIDN’T KILL RORY.>>THAT’S WHY YOU WERE STRESSED.>>WHAT ARE YOU DOING?>>YOU HAD HIS HANDS ON HIS SHOULDER RIGHT BEFORE YOU STRANGLED HIM.>>HE DIED OF LEUKEMIA. ARE YOU HIGH?>>YEAH.>>Jimmy: BILLY CRYSTAL AND BEN SCHWARTZ IN “STANDING UP FALLING DOWN”, A VERY SWEET MOVIE, A SN NICE RELATIONSHIP. TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER.>>I PLAY MARTY, AN ALCOHOLIC POT-SMOKING DERMATOLOGIST, WHICH IS VERY INTERESTING, BECAUSE I’M NOT A DERMATOLOGIST. IT’S A STORY OF THESE TWO, OH, LOST SOULS. THE WONDERFUL BEN SCHWARTZ.>>Jimmy: YEAH, HE’S A NICE KID, TOO.>>HE’S THE REAL DEAL.>>Jimmy: YOU GUYS HAVE BONDED.>>WE’VE BECOME VERY CLOSE FRIENDS.>>Jimmy: YOU TOOK HIM TO THE CLIPPERS GAME.>>I’M LIKE HIS UNCLE. I TOOK HIM TO CLIPPERS GAMES, AND WE HUNG OUT. HE’S AN AWFULLY FUNNY GUY. HE’S ONE OF THOSE RARE GUYS THAT YOU KNOW WAS RAISED WELL. HE’S TERRIFIC.>>Jimmy: IT’S FUNNY, BECAUSE I’M GUESSING THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WAS SIMILAR TO THE RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE IN THE MOVIE.>>HE’S A FAILED COMEDIAN, THE CHARACTER. BUT AREN’T WE ALL? [ LAUGHTER ] AND HE COMES TO ME WITH A RASH ON HIS ARM, AND I HELP HIM OUT, BUT THEN WE START TALKING. AND I HELP HIM WITH HIS ACT BY HELPING HIM WITH HIS LIFE. AND HE HELPS ME BEGIN TO CLEAN UP, AND WE START TO UNDERSTAND EACH OR, AND I UNBURDEN MYSELF OF ALL THE PAST THAT’S DRIVING ME TO DRINK AND DO DRUGS AND ALL OF THAT STUFF.>>Jimmy: DOES IT FEEL ODD FOR YOU? I KNOW WE ALL THINK OF OURSELVES AS JUST OURSELVES. YOU DON’T REALLY ATTACH AN AGE TO YOURSELF. IS IT ODD BEING LIKE THE MENTOR TO GUYS LIKE BEN? OR, YOU KNOW, YOUNGER GUYS?>>YOU KNOW, IT’S, FIRST OF ALL, IT’S LOVELY JUST TO BE WORKING.>>Jimmy: UH-HUH.>>AND WORKING WITH GREAT, BRIL BRILLIANT PEOPLE LIKE THAT. I JUST ACTED WITH THE WONDERFUL TIFFANY HADDISH.>>Jimmy: YES, I KNOW YOU DID.>>VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT. I DIRECTED THE MOVIE, CO-WROTE IT, AND WE PLAY, WE HAVE A VERY INTERESTING STORY TOGETHER. AND THAT’S CALLED “HERE TODAY”, AND IT WILL BE COMING OUT LATER THIS YEAR.>>Jimmy: YES, I LOOK FORWARD TO THAT.>>I LOVED WORKING WITH HER, AND I LOVED WORKING WITH BEN, BECAUSE THEY BRING OUT THE BEST IN YOU. BECAUSE WE COME FROM DIFFERENT TIMES, OBVIOUSLY, YOU KEEP BEING REMINDED, YOU’RE OLDER, BUT YOU KNOW WHEN YOU REALLY GET REMINDED THAT YOU’RE OLD, MY BIRTHDAY’S COMING UP IN MARCH.>>Jimmy: UH-HUH.>>I’M A MEDIUM IN SOME THINGS OR A LARGE IN OTHERS. [ LAUGHTER ] I HAVE TO TAKE MY WRITTEN DRIVER’S TEST.>>Jimmy: OVER?>>YEAH.>>Jimmy: WRITTEN!>>THE WRITTEN TEST OVER. THIS IS A NIGHTMARE. I MEAN, I’VE BEEN DRIVING SINCE I’M 18. I’M GOING TO BE 72.>>Jimmy: UH-HUH.>>AND I LOOK FABULOUS.>>Jimmy: YOU DO. [ APPLAUSE ]>>I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN A TICKET EXCEPT I HAVE 11,000 PARKING TICKETS. I’VE NEVER GOTTEN A MOVING VIOLATION OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, BUT WHEN I TAKE THE PRACTICE TESTS I WOULDN’T GET IN THE CAR WITH ME.>>Jimmy: ARE THE QUESTIONS HARD?>>YEAH, THEY’RE HARD, LET ME SEE HOW YOU DO.>>Jimmy: OKAY, GOOD, ALL RIGHT.>>THIS IS A TRUE OR FALSE QUESTION.>>Jimmy: OKAY.>>THIS IS AN ACTUAL FROM THE TEST. ALL RIGHT. WHEN DRIVING UNDER SNOWY OR ICY CONDITIONS, YOU SHOULD MAKE SPEED AND DIRECTIONAL CHANGES MORE GRADUALLY THAN YOU WOULD OTHERWISE.>>Jimmy: YES. TRUE.>>THAT’S BROKEN YELLOW CENTER LINE MEANS THAT YOU CAN PASS ON THE LEFT IF THE ROAD AHEAD IS CLEAR.>>Jimmy: TRUE.>>OKAY. WHEN BEING FOLLOWED BY A TAILGATER, WHICH FINGER DO YOU USE TO TELL THEM TO BACK OFF?>>Jimmy: I USE THE BIG ONE.>>OKAY. WHEN TAKING A SELFIE WHILE DRIVING.>>Jimmy: UH-HUH. THIS IS ON THE TEST?>>YEAH, YEAH.>>Jimmy: OH, WOW.>>SHOULD YOU BE IN THE PORTRAIT MODE?>>Jimmy: ABSOLUTELY.>>THAT’S BETTER.>>Jimmy: THERE ARE MORE?>>YEAH, SOME MORE.>>Jimmy: OKAY. I FEEL LIKE I’M DOING WELL SO FAR.>>YOU’RE GREAT.>>Jimmy: OKAY, GREAT.>>YOU’RE PUSHING 60.>>Jimmy: MM-HM.>>IN A SCHOOL ZONE. WHAT IS THAT INFRACTION CALLED?>>Jimmy: UH, SPEEDING, I GUESS.>>NO, IT’S CALLED THE PRINCE ANDREW. [ LAUGHTER ]>>Jimmy: WE GOT TO GO OUT ON THAT, RIGHT? COME ON, ONE MORE. >>THIS IS THE LAST ONE. AND I THINK WE’VE BEEN GUILTY ABOUT THIS. WHEN PARKING IN A HANDICAPPED SPACE. HOW LONG AFTER YOU EXIT THE CAR SHOULD YOU FAKE YOUR LIMP?>>Jimmy: IMMEDIATELY.>>IMMEDIATELY.>>Jimmy: BILLY CRYSTAL, EVERYONE. “STANDING UP, FALLING DOWN” PREMIERS IN THEATERS AND VOD FEBRUARY 21ST. WE’LL BE BACK WITH THE TENDERLOINS.

100 thoughts on “Billy Crystal on Hostless Oscars, New Movie & Driving Test

  1. Best host ever…prefer a host but still watching tonight as I haven't missed the Oscars since 1968.
    Nice to see Billy without dark hair..embrace the grey!

  2. Strange, the video clip with Crystal from 31st Jan, he has brown hair. The unwritten rule : never discuss male actors dying their hair

  3. Billy, you and your family need to mark your territory, Serious! go pee on your boundaries as often as possible, It's a respect thing.

  4. Even if the trial had had witnesses, the end result would've been EXACTLY the same. No need to waste any more time and money in Washington on the trial circus.

  5. It must really suck to be a republican/MAGAt/Fascist. Not only are you dead inside and dead wrong on social and economic issues but the only entertainers you like are crackpots like Kid Rock and Dennis Miller. Sad…so very sad. Bigly sad!

  6. He hosted when movies were about entertainment. Now Hollywood preaches and I won't buy what they're selling. The Oscars are obsolete. Cancel the whole thing.

  7. Billy Crystal is HILARIOUS one of the funniest people ever! The best story teller 💜💜💜💜! 72 WOW he does look good.

  8. When he hosted the oscars it was worth watching, now not so much anymore..Love love Billy Crystal, he is the funniest man around,.😘

  9. I love Billy. Such a great comedian with such quick wit that he delivers with warmth. You can tell how much he loves to entertain after all these years. The Oscars need him again!

  10. Once you see Billy Crystal's not-really-swallowing quirk, like Joan River's "It's just…" transitions, you can't unsee it. It's a bit annoying.

  11. S T O P. R a P E I N G. B a b I E S
    We'll calm those keys/ …it more interveiwy/ no it's// where the warthog???/ // …/ sweet/ but yeah you're in fella/ // it works so far// ….a few of went incredibly right , and right as hell // but until / just rescue people

  12. Loved him with Robert DeNiro when he played his shrink, with Lisa Kudrow as his wife. Analyze This. The scene with Meg Ryan in the coffee shop is legendary.

  13. it's fitting because he got his start in silent films …. LOLOL… brilliant. remember humour that didn't rely on insults and shock? brilliant.

  14. Guess what, hated your guy, but he was still my president, EVERYTHING has to be political apparently….this comment for you billy.

  15. I guess it's too much to ask these days, to have a comedian entertain us without throwing in a negative Trump comment. Such creativity… Ugh.

  16. Maybe if one of these guys had hosted this year, this is how the end of the memoriam would have went. The host would have said proudly “I am Spartacus!”, one by one every audience member would stand and repeat the phrase until the whole audience is standing.

  17. That’s what tradition is for. We’ve lost our way. We are puberty looking for hair. God help us.
    We love dogs. They often deserve it more than the anthropoids. I sure miss mine. Even all the skunk baths. Love ya!

  18. Virginia Giuffre, one of Epstein's accusers, says she was trafficked to London by Epstein in 2001, when she was 17, and forced to have sex with Prince Andrew, hence “It’s called a prince Andrew” for those who didn't get the joke.

  19. Put more blacks, Muslims and foreigners in the Academy and this "no host" will be the least worst thing in the future!

  20. Any good show production knows the value and indispensability of a good and experienced host/MC…to keep things moving, impart important or timely information, to keep the crowd entertained, to warm up the room, to tie everything together, and to liaison between audience and backstage. it's unfathomable that a huge production in the business of show biz would omit this vital position!

  21. Hey, leave the mountain lion alone!! They're just trying to survive!! The way I see it, we humans are on their turf.

  22. I don't watch the Oscar's any more because they are not what they were like when Billy Crystal hosted. Theu need to bring him back PERIOD.

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